Heart Surgery

No, not the physical kind.  

The spiritual kind.

Painful.

Excruciating.

Overwhelming.

Exhausting.

Cleansing.

Healing.

I have been undergoing this process lately.  That is why I have been posting all the Bible verses and inspirational quotes etc.  I am trying to stay alive not drown and the Bible and prayer are the only things that seem to help me keep my head above water.  I'm not being preachy to you all.  I'm being preachy TO ME.

I am making my way through some difficult stuff.  Emotions.  Pain.  Hurt.  Anger.  Unforgiveness.  Blame.  Entitlement.  Anxiety.  Insecurity.  Depression.  Disappointment.   Old demons whispering in my ear again.  They had me for awhile.  But not any more.  

I am seeing God's forgiveness.  Love.  Comfort.  Mercy. REDEMPTION.

I had to get okay with not being okay.  That was probably the biggest hurdle, admitting that I am not okay.  

I am not okay.  But I am okay, because God is in control. 

The details don't matter.  

You wouldn't believe me if I told you the stories anyway.  

It's private and God knows the details.  

What matters is that I keep my eyes on Jesus.  

What matters is that I pray.  

When I pray, I see God answer.  

For that, I am grateful.

Bottom line is that God loves the process. 

I need to stop resisting the process and go with it.  

Stop trying to 'fix it' or make it all better.  

I just need to walk through the valley, one step at a time.

Do you know why God loves the process?  

Because I am finally in relationship with Him again.  

Not the quick prayer before I eat type of relationship, 

but the on my knees, on my face, crying out in desperation

type of relationship with Him.  

I'm coming out of this valley because 

God is faithful.  

God is good.  

God loves me.  

I am a child of God.  

A joint heir with Christ.  

Royalty.

I am getting it.  

Thank you God for being so:

Patient.  

Kind.  

Merciful.  

Tenderhearted.  

Loving.  

Persistent.

Thank you God for opening my eyes, both physically and spiritually.  

Thank you for sending the right people at the right time to speak Truth into my life to contradict the whispers of my enemy.

Thank you for praying friends who can and do intercede on my behalf, when I can't stand up, let alone fight the battle.

Thank you for the power of the cross and the spiritual authority you have granted to me by my faith in Jesus.

I pray that You will continue this work You have started in making me more like your Son.  

This is a war, people.  

Do not be blinded to the unseen forces in this world.  

The only way we can fight is to be alert and aware.  

I was blinded.  

Blindsided, really.  

And when I did began to see, I doubted. 

Then I tried to fix it/change it on my own power.

And I almost didn't make it.  

But I am back.  

A changed woman.  

More confident in God.  

More aware.  

More alert.  

More trusting.

Take that, satan.

Thank you, Jesus.